Time is...a cell phone?!
Understanding the true measure of time through its network value.
“A holiday is not a holiday at all if no one else in your life is available to spend the holiday with.” - Oliver Burkeman.
It was a regular Thursday evening in February at the Hadjinian household. We all had a long day, but we were finally seated at the dinner table. As I was getting ready to go around and ask everyone to share their ‘happies and crappies’, my son interrupted me. “I feel like we don’t spend as much time together in LA. We used to always do things when we were in Paris,” he said.
I was shocked. Mostly because it was a full, thoughtful sentence. Most of the interactions with his newfound teenage vibe has been one-word exchanges, non-verbal cues, verbal grunts with a non-emotional ‘bruh’ to indicate an end to an unthoughtful sentence. The idea of sharing a feeling in a cohesive sentence was so far outside the realm of what I was anticipating that it completely threw me off.
Once I got my bearings, I started to ask follow-up questions.
“How so? Can you share more?”
<Deafening silence.>
I quickly switched from open questioning to leading the witness.
“Do you think it stems from the change in pace in the demands of high school?”
“Could it be that you have extracurricular activities, and it doesn’t allow time for much else?”
It was no use. The highly reflective person who thoughtfully made that observation vanished as quickly as he had appeared. At the risk of completely pushing him away and shutting him off, I decided to dig deep into my black cat energy and just ignore it. So, I changed the subject and the conversation moved on.
But I didn’t move on. His comment really stuck with me and the questions flooded my mind.
How was I showing up that made him feel this way? Have I failed to give him the attention that he needs or craves? Am I not spending enough time with them? And when I am, am I present physically, but not present emotionally? Does he view our connection as pure counterfeit?
<Continuing on this self-sabotage, not-good-for-anyone rabbit hole.>
But wait. Maybe I wasn’t the problem. Maybe it was the transition of the two different cities that ignited this feeling? After all, our life in Paris seems unrecognizable through the lens of our suburb life here in LA.
A few things to consider.
Space. Is bigger really better?
In LA, we have a comfortable sized house; in Paris, we had a tiny apartment.
In LA, the kids have their own rooms; in Paris, the kids shared a room.
In LA, we have multiple shared spaces; in Paris, we had one.
In LA, hours can go by before I see another human in the vicinity; in Paris, it was nearly impossible not to feel the warmth of another body every time anyone occupied the apartment.
My point is, in Paris it was hard not to be in each other’s business constantly. Good or bad, we were always there and together.
Time. Working in New York while living in Paris.
In Paris I anchored my work hours to Eastern Standard Time to be able to work alongside my colleagues in the US. This usually meant starting my day around 2pm and ending it around 1am. Which also meant my time with the kids was limited during the week. But we still managed to cook together, have dinner together, and do homework together.
In LA, I work more ‘normal’ hours. I still find myself working a hybrid of EST and PST time zones, but for the most part it’s a more normalized work schedule. It doesn’t automatically opt me out of normal social activities and social connections. I’m better able to carve out solid windows of time to spend with the kids, friends and family.
Shared experiences. Outsiders in a Parisian playground.
In Paris we were outsiders. Unless you are connected to the community via an existing relationship, it’s nearly impossible to breakthrough as an adult. At best you’re living an expat life abroad with other Americans not fully integrated into the local culture. But we weren’t even at that level. My abnormal work schedule naturally casted us as nomads. So, when I say it was just the three of us in Paris, I mean it – we barely spoke the language, we barely knew anyone. We were in our own bubble. And we loved it. Our weekends were packed with adventurous walking itineraries that allowed for serendipitous discoveries. These experiences deposited thousands of memories into our minds, hearts and souls.
In LA, we are insiders. In fact, as Armenians living near Glendale we are both Americans and Armenians deeply rooted in the community. We speak English, we speak Armenian, we have friends, we have family. Moments of just the three of us are few and far between. Walking anywhere seems outright silly. And serendipity? Sadly, that’s extinct!
Last week, we went back to Paris for a week for spring break, just the three of us. It was just like old times.
In Four Thousand Weeks - one of favorite books - Oliver Burkeman covers a concept called the network value of time. He explains time as a network good vs. a regular good. Think of a classic regular good as money - all things equal more of it is better than less of it. You can hoard all the money in the world, it might not make you happy but if you can choose between more or less, it’s logical to see how you would choose (hoard) more. Think of a network good as cell phones – you don’t need multiple, you just need one, but you need a network of people who also use them to get the full benefit from it.
Going back to our new life in LA - while I can optimize my productivity to be free from 5-8pm every night to cook, have dinner and enjoy a night cap on the couch – I’m doing all this solo. Cause between 5-8pm there’s no one home but yours truly and her geriatric pup. The daily demands of schoolwork and extracurricular activities has consumed us in an expected, almost unmanageable way. Between basketball practice, games, debate tournaments, jazz rehearsals, homework, studying, tests, tests and more tests – sitting down together for dinner has become an absolute luxury.
So, my son was right when he said he “felt” like we spend more time together in Paris. Because the time we had together, though limited, had better utility, more value, more unexpected moments that all led to core memories.
But there’s also something else…something equally as important to consider.
Context of time. The ‘when’ matters.
When we moved to Paris my son was 11 years old. He was wide eyed and open to all experiences. My son is now 15. I promise you, if we moved to Paris when he was 15 years old all of our experiences and our memories would be VASTLY different.
At the age of 15 he’s in the eye of the storm when it comes to his transition from a kid to a young adult. His anchor has always been the 3 of us. Yet, he’s experiencing one of the biggest transitions he will ever experience in his lifetime AND he has to do it alone. The best I can offer him as his mom is to function as an intricate scaffolding to help support him along the way, but beyond that my role is irrelevant. Because this is his journey, and his journey alone to complete.
So yes, while he is likely feeling the hangover of the transition of moving from Paris to LA and struggling to find time to connect, he’s also feeling the internal conflict of needing the comfort of dependence while at the same time finding his independence. The intersection that combusts the biggest change and unleashes the biggest growth. It’s an unfamiliar place and sometimes a lonely place.
3 Things This Week In My Mind and On My Heart
(1) I launched a company last week. It’s a beauty brand. It’s called point of view: povbeauty.com. It has been super fun creating this over the last 1.5 years, but tbh since launching it I have woken up every day feeling like the sudden urge to puke. It’s really hard. The sacrifices are many. But that is a topic for another newsletter. I did see this quote from Shane Parissh’s newsletter FS | Brainfood that resonated with me.
“Most people mistake discomfort as a signal to stop; the great ones see it as evidence they’re on the right track. Excellence is just pain tolerance disguised as genius. The real advantage isn’t talent but cultivating a perverse appreciation for the discomfort others instinctively avoid.”
(2) I recently read the book Conspiracy – A True Story of Power, Sex and a Billionaire’s Secret by Ryan Holiday. If you’re familiar with Ryan Holiday’s work, this one is a very non-Ryan-Holiday book. I highly recommend it as a fast read. It’s a fascinating story. I’m surprised I missed it when it happened in real-time. And also, why is this not a movie?
(3) When we were in Paris, we went to the Louvre. We’ve been to the Louvre easily +100 times. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Anyway, they have this fashion exhibit that is a MUST SEE. It runs until end of July. It’s so creative, it is so magnificent, it’s so unique. Honestly I would book a trip to go to Paris JUST to see this and this alone!