“A long exposure time gives the soul time to appear and leaves time for chance to intervene.” - Paolo Roversi
Thanks, Paolo. And glad to hear as my ‘exposure time’ was 28 years!
Last week we took a trip. The kids were on, yet another, 2-week break. Weren’t they just on a 2-week break 6 weeks ago? Needless to say, the kids love going to school in France! To be honest, I didn’t have the time or energy to fully plan another European getaway. Instead, we opted for a more familiar territory – a trip to LA, also known as home…to me, at least.
Did I mention we are moving to LA in August? Sadly, I must bid adieu to my two-year love affair with Paris…at least for now. In preparation for the anticipated move, we figured it would be helpful to make a quick trip to figure out some of the moving logistics ahead of time: Where will we live? Where will my son go to school? How will drop-off and pick-up work with cars (we’ve used public transportation or our legs as long as the kids have been going to school)? Where would I plant our office HQ? And how would the logistics of getting to work…work?
The last time I called LA home was when I was 18. My parents still live in the same house. In fact, my room is still the exact same way that I left it 28 years ago!
I remember vividly. When I was young, I would sit in the family room and gaze at the front door and just day dream about the future. I had these visions of my ‘future’ immediate family walking through the doors and being greeted by present immediate family. I would wonder, who would I become? What would be my profession? Who would I marry? What would he look like? Was he a doctor? A lawyer? Maybe he was both? What kind of Armenian would he be? The Eastern kind or the Western kind? Where would we get married? Did I opt for a princess ball gown dress or go a bit scandalous with a sexy, strapless fitted dress? I would wonder about the kids – How many would we have? I always wanted 3! Boy? Girl? Both? Twins? Triplets?? How far apart will they be in age? What would be their names? Would they look like me or him?
During my visit this past week, I had a moment where I found the young version of me sitting there, staring at the door, wondering in a hopeful, curious gaze. I wanted so desperately to reach out to her and tell her how it all turns out.
I wanted to give her the gift of peace of mind: she gets everything she wants, but not the way she planned it, or expected it, or dreamed it, or imagined it.
She attends her top, prestigious school and it drowns her in debt.
She lands her dream job on Wall Street and realizes it’s a complete nightmare.
She plans the wedding she always wanted and learns it isn’t at all what she wanted.
She marries her best friend and learns they are just that…great friends.
She moves to New York and calls it home for 15 years and when she moves away, she leaves a piece of her soul there, permanently.
She has two incredible humans she calls her kids and learns the meaning of unconditional love.
She moves to San Francisco and deconstructs and reconstructs her life – demolishing everything she has built only to rebuild it all over again, but this time, starting at a much deeper foundation.
She gets divorced and at 41 she rewrites her story and this time, she’s the author! She begins her new chapter and calls it PARIS.
She lives in Paris for 2 years, creating memories with the kids that will payback in memory dividends into perpetuity.
She finds love, not in someone else, not in a city, not in a job, but within herself. Her heart cracks wide open for all experiences to be fully felt.
She discovers in her journey who she is and what she wants in life and won’t allow anyone to dictate or weigh in with opinions or judgements.
Life is thrilling, it’s scary, it’s full of joy, it’s hard, it’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s exhilarating, it’s heart-breaking, it’s fulfilling, it’s nerve-wrecking, it’s satisfying, did I mention it’s REALLY hard? But here’s the thing, follow the path that feels right to you, stay curious with your mind, have an open heart and the journey will take you places you never even dreamed of.
The move back to LA is a strange one for me. I left when I was 18, that’s 28 years ago! My journey has pushed me in directions so far deep into the unknown that I lost hope in ever finding my way back. It has led me towards a path that was so lonely and so dark only to help guide me to a place of complete peace, love, and pure joy. This experience has given me the gift of freedom to live my life the way I want. The person I have become is so distinctively different from the expectations that my parents had, society had, community had…that I had for myself when I was 18. She’s completely unrecognizable from the person in her wedding photos (which my parents still prominently display in their living room) - to be honest, I don’t even recognize the person in that photo. And yet when I return, I’ll return to place where little has changed. The effect of time only impacts appearances and aesthetics. Same things exist as they always have - my childhood home is the same, my room is exactly the same, my parents are the same just older, most of the people that I know are still there, doing the same thing, just have a few more wrinkles and grey hairs. It’s strange to live 28 years on what feels like a completely different dimension and then come back to a place that, at least on the surface, feels exactly the same!
I have mixed feelings about moving. I’m sad to leave Paris and all that it gave us. And at the same time, I’m excited, curious and open to all the experiences in our new chapter called ‘Homebound.’
3 Things This Week In My Mind and On My Heart
(1) This weekend we visited Palais Galliera to see the Paolo Roversi exposition. If you find yourself in Paris, you can’t miss this museum. This is the fashion museum in Paris and it’s phenomenal. Every few months they rotate the expositions from designers, photographers, editors – everything and everyone that is involved in bringing fashion to life. I can’t express to you how incredible this museum is from its architecture, to it’s gorgeous terraces and gardens in the middle of the city. Anywho, we went to see Paolo’s work. He’s a fashion photographer and what a photographer he is! This is one that requires multiple visits to completely digest his work.
(2) I’ve been reading No Ordinary Time, by Doris Kearns Goodwin. It’s about FDR and Eleanor behind the scenes during WWII. It’s more a historical view of their personal endeavors and relationships than a historical view of the actual war. I highly recommend this book, it’s a bit long and quite dense, but fascinating if you’re into history. But even if you’re not, it’s a great read for people who want to learn about relationships, self-discovery, failures and achievements under pressure and just about life and it’s complications. Anyway, there’s so much good writing in here, it’s hard to pick one to share, but this one line really resonated with me. It’s from a letter Eleanor wrote to her friend Hicks (some thought there was something more than just a friendship, but most have debunked that theory).
“You think some one thing could make you happy. I know it never does. We may want something, and when we have it, it is not what we dreamed it would be, the thing [happiness] lies in oneself” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
(3) We flew French Bee for the first time and I have to say I didn’t hate it. In fact, the price difference is so massive that when you keep that as part of the consideration nothing else comes close as an option. I had priced out our tickets (one way) for 3 people on Air France economy and it was $3800 total compared with French Bee at $970 total. The experience was pleasant, I mean it’s no frills, but who wants to eat plane cuisine anyway? They have all the great programs on the personal screens, games, anything you want. They have snacks and drinks you can purchase, and its stuff you actually want to consume. Bathrooms are nice and clean. The staff is pleasant. The downside is you have to pay for bags, which you have to on most airlines unless you have status and the hours are limited, they don’t fly every day and the times are just whatever they have. But if you have somewhat of a flexibility it’s such a great win!